Friday, December 28, 2012

Biting into a New Year

Looking at the last year from a health perspective, I can't help but feel that I've really wasted a lot of valuable time. So much of it has been a step forward, two back, two forward, one back... and me basically staying exactly in the same spot. I'm like the truck I got stuck in the snow two days ago. Rock it forward, rock it back, spin the tires, dig in a little deeper.... eventually just give up and sit there until someone tows me out.

That is NOT what I want for 2013.

I love food, I love life, I love being happy and healthy and spending time with people I care about. When I get into a diet rampage, it seems that I inevitably try to do it in such an extreme way that it becomes unmanageable. I have such high expectations of myself, and I am so very negative when I fail. I set the bar so high that failure becomes the only option other than really being superwoman.

Why do I think I can be superwoman? I've been encouraged and empowered my whole life, and usually at the root of my thoughts is that sense that I really can accomplish anything I set out to. Then, hidden somewhere in the cluttered edges of my interior being, is that slimy sense of worthlessness, of hopelessness... of not being good enough to succeed at anything.

I am great at doing what I do. I do a lot. Too much. I try to be perfect at all of it. And I think that, somehow, I really COULD be perfect - or nearly perfect - at things if I don't let myself get distracted from the goal.

So, is my failure really because I get distracted? Is it because I somehow don't want to succeed? Or, is it just that I set the bar too high? 

While I try to figure out the answer to that, would it help me to set the bar a bit lower for a while? Something almost ridiculously achievable? 

Would it be good to back WAY up on all of this, and start simple? I scoff at myself for needing to be simple, when I think I should be able to just do it ALL already.
Being a meat and potatoes kind of girl isn't a bad thing, until you find yourself wanting to eat ALL the meat and potatoes, for no reason at all.
 How silly I feel, to look at the last two years since my baby was born, and think that I've given up so often, based on the assumption that I'd be just having my next child soon anyway. I've REALLY had that attitude for the last few months. And what has happened? Nothing! I'm not pregnant! And I've never taken so long to get pregnant, which leads me to the conclusion that I'm just too heavy to conceive right now. And since I really DO want to have a baby in 2013, keeping the age gap to something I feel is appropriate, I need to be very proactive in the weight loss department, right now.

Then there's the other voice saying, Screw it, go eat the Christmas cookies.

Here's the thing. I am not hungry. I am not even craving cookies, or anything else for that matter. So why do I want to do this to myself?

Maybe my New Year's Resolutions shouldn't be about so much doing, so much accomplishment, as they should be about liking me. Me, liking me. For real, all the way.

Because then all that positivity in me, all those good things I know I have to offer, won't be wasted by the negative voices that want to bring me down to nothing.
2013: Climb Every Mountain. Or just embrace the one you're on.

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My weight loss journey