Monday, August 20, 2012

Not much to show for it.

April 3? Really? April? And now it's August? Holy cow.

I took time off writing to focus on having a better schedule, having a fun summer with my kiddos, and working on loving myself more.

And like the title says, I don't have a whole bunch to show for all the effort.

Let's make a long story really short.

I did well.
I did not so well.
I did really well.
I did so-so.
I pushed.
I pulled back.
I had a good summer. I didn't try to be a superhero... I left that to the kids.
I counted every bite.
I threw caution to the wind.
I was in control.
I didn't care about being in control.
I cried.
I laughed.
I ran.
I got bursitis.
I exercised like a crazy woman.
I didn't exercise at all.
I lost weight.
I gained weight.
I lost weight.
I gained weight.
I lost weight.

Here we are, with September closing in at a breakneck pace. September, if you'll recall was kind of my deadline for achieving my goals before getting pregnant again, because I don't want a full 3 year gap between Gina and the next baby. My timeline is closing in.

It stinks knowing that I'll be heavy and uncomfortable and kicking myself for not starting out lighter. I don't like thinking about the inevitable (necessary!) weight gain, and the subsequent struggle to lose it. It's not fun acknowledging that I will not have my hormones in balance for another two years.

I am not complaining about my choice, my family plan, which I am excited about and eager for and committed to with all my heart. But there is that part of me that just wants to have the body I want to have, and not keep giving it away to a new member of the family.

Are they worth it? Oh! So very much. I love my babies with a fervor that is completely irreplaceable. I couldn't love a hot body nearly as much as I love my children. My body will age and wrinkle and sag and break down (ACK!!), but my children will grow up and share a relationship with me, and have children who I will spend my twilight years enjoying.

So, while this summer was another typical one in the diet life of me, maybe I have learned a few things. Looking at me, you might notice the 10 lb difference and the new pair of jeans, and you might not. But maybe you would notice that I'm not afraid to eat breakfast, or you would see me embracing exercise more. (Well, maybe not right now, with the bum knee, but I'm looking forward to starting again.)

And I hope you would notice a new light in my eyes that indicates a deeper settling of my soul. The urgent need to be "perfect" is replaced by the desire to love my children well, and live my life well, and not miss any important moments.

And maybe you would see the same me that you saw in April... but I hope not.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Hi I’m Heather! Please email me, I have a question about your blog! LifesABanquet1(at)gmail.com

My weight loss journey