Sunday, January 1, 2012

Too much Yes.

"Moreover, if you have problems determining whether you're satisfied or full, you may also experience similar difficulties with the concept of enough in other areas. With both intimates and strangers alike, you may find yourself alternately giving too much or too little. You may not know when to stop working or how to take adequate time for yourself. You may deprive yourself of essential things while overdoing it on nonessentials. If excess and deficiency, that is, the concept of too much or too little is a theme in your life, learning what is enough food is an excellent way to begin to return to a healthy equilibrium. Achieving balance in your life, having enough of this and that, depend on saying one of the two simplest words in the English language at the right times."

This really resonated with me.

I embody the above struggle. My hope for 2012 is that I find that balance. I don't wish to be unbalanced in my approach to weight loss and healthy living.

My all-or-nothing, succeed or fail, win or lose, live or die approach to life really needs to find an equilibrium, or I'm not doing myself any favours.

At this point, my last week or two has been a coffee fueled, over-wrought trainwreck wearing a smile. I've been working through some dark thoughts, and trying to figure out where to go from here.

I've always tried to do this on my own. I've thought that if I share too much, I will be judged as a failure. I feel like people will judge me for not succeeding... But then some part of me thinks that if I were to succeed and lose the weight and become healthy, they would look at me and snark, "Well! Why couldn't she have done that years ago?" Either way, I fear the censure of others.

J and I had a really good talk the other day. People will always judge. That isn't important, and I need to learn this, for once and for all! I depend so much on the approval of those around me because I don't approve of myself. I look to others to define the self-worth that I am unable to see, acknowledge, or believe. I NEED someone else to believe in me, because I don't believe in myself.

This will change.

I have jumped into 2012 with a better attitude. Thanks to his personal growth in 2011, and the deepening of our tell-all, soul-baring talks, I know J is in my corner like never before, and that makes a world of difference.

I've written my resolutions! I'll be adding some things tomorrow, and then I'll post them here.

This will be a good year. I invite you to join me in this journey to becoming the best version of ourselves in 2012.

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My weight loss journey