Saturday, November 27, 2010

Due Date. End Date. Closing Date. Start Date.

I'm due tomorrow! This baby is almost here! Or... is it?

It's flabbergasting. I have never carried to term before. I haven't even ever made it to 39 weeks before, let alone 40. This is child number 4, and it is throwing me for a loop!

My 'happy place'. I need to be okay with resting.
This entire situation is pointing out to me just how much I like to be in control. In the know. In charge. I do not like 3 weeks of false labour. I do not like feeling unsure of myself. When do I go to the hospital? Am I going to MAKE it to the hospital, when things really get going? For goodness' sake. It is number FOUR. I should know what I'm doing by now, shouldn't I? I should have the market cornered on easy, straight-forward, efficient labours and deliveries.

Instead, I have made my husband take two weeks off work - just in case - and I have woken many a time in the middle of the night, wondering if "this is it". I have cancelled plans, stressed about plans I've made, blown up and cried alternately when faced with plans I don't know that I will be able to execute. I have taken time off work, set up a voicemail and autoresponder to say that I am on "maternity leave".

Maybe this is a piece of the puzzle. My desire to be good enough, or to be - dare I say it? - perfect, demands that I am in control. Babies don't allow for that.

Especially this baby.

What am I supposed to be learning right now, I wonder.... hmmm....

Maybe I'm treating this too much like a work deadline, and not enough like the gift it is. I'm too worried about it fitting into my life and my timeline, instead of fitting my life and my timeline around THIS.

It just might be a lesson in letting go. It might be a nudge toward trusting something greater than myself. It just might be an encouragement to roll with the punches a bit more. And who knows? Maybe it is just a really nice gift on a silver platter - this chance to actually have TIME. Time to sleep. Time to rest when I feel like resting, or play with my kids when I feel like it. Read to them more than just what I've scheduled. Sleep in or get up early, but without an agenda.

Maybe I need to loosen up.

Ha.

Maybe if I loosen up, my cervix will, too.

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