Sunday, February 7, 2010

Rady to get back into the Fray

What a trip! It was our first time to a tropical locale, and how beautiful! I understand the draw, now. Not only is it the perfect vacation for me, because it's all inclusive and I wasn't stressing about the pennies every day. it was also a perfect opportunity to reconnect with my husband and get away from the stress of daily life... and the weather of January/February. It's also very empowering to people watch and realize that you are a-okay.

No matter how big or small I've been in my life, in my own mind, I've always been too big. Part of that comes from my height, I think, and the fact that while most people in my family and extended family (siblings and cousins) are 5"7' and up, I'm barely scraping 5'4". At our annual family reunion, I felt like the short, fat one. Actually, I WAS the short, fat one. That's just how it was. Even at size 6, I was the short, fat one.

Judging myself to be not good enough has always been a bad habit. More than a bad habit, but that's another post. I just see flaws and room to improve, even though I can acknowledge some good. Others tell me that I don't acknowledge enough good, but I guess I just don't see what others see. For some reason, this is more blatant when it comes to my physique. [I just realized I hate the word 'physique'. Interesting]

My natural bent for comparison has had it's pros and cons. One pro, for example, is that I've become an intuitive and empathetic person. I weigh situations and personalities and people, and look for the good in everyone. I can sympathize with the "bad guy", or the "loser" or the "messup". That might be me, after all. A con? Well, the fact that I compare myself to others means that there is an inclination to weigh my worth against what I see. Which I know isn't healthy or realistic. I know, in my head at least, that my worth is already decided, and that it is great. I know, in my head, that lining myself up with the mental mug shots of peers, friends, family and strangers doesn't change anything.

At the same time, it's still my struggle.

Taking this attitude to the beach? Could have been devastating. A past version of myself might just have had a meltdown that sent me running for cover, looking to hide out in my room with tears and self-berating remarks.

For some reason, I went to this tropical paradise with an optimism that I usually lack. It helped that my man was eager to spend the time with me, and that I seemed to make him melt every time I looked at him. Yes, that helped. My virtual packing experience with a friend of mine gave me a confidence boost that carried over to the beach. I trotted out that bikini with pride. After all, I've had 3 kids and lost 60 lbs (in spurts) over 4 years. Look at me go!

Two things J said that made me feel great:

While we were people-watching, we'd rate people on a scale of 1-10. A sorry sport, I know, but fun. Points are added for being a natural beauty, and fit. Taken away for having had work done. There were a lot of average or underaverage bodies out there, enjoying their vacation. I'm counted as one of them, I'm sure. But my darling husband J said he'd give me a higher score than that, taking all things into consideration. "You're a 6 or 7, for sure."

And back in our room one night, he said, "You know, I figured this whole swimsuit-wearing thing could go either way. I mean, you could take one look at people out there and just fold up and give up and wreck the trip for yourself. But you've had this confidence, and you just look awesome. I don't know what it is - somehow you're sexier than I even thought you were. Maybe the scale doesn't say so, but I think you achieved your fitness goals before coming here."

I think I'll keep him.

Forgive the long post, but while the scale might not say anything different, I feel like a different person. I'm looking forward to the year ahead.


redeemed diva said...

Man, there's nothing like a good husband to make sense of it all! So glad you had a great time with your hubby. You look great in that bikini! Ohlala!

TL said...

No kidding! He really made me feel good. The whole vacation was just what the doctor ordered!

My weight loss journey