Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Not that I'm Bitter...

...but I've got some bitterness issues to address.

I was lying awake in bed a couple of nights ago, listening to my husband snore and a coyote howl outside. I was thinking about life in general, and about how much I wasn't looking forward to getting up in the morning.

Of course, when it's 3am, thinking about having to get up in 2.5 hours won't help your mood.

As often happens to me in the middle of the night, I get stuck in some gerbil wheel of thoughts that go round and round and won't leave me alone. That night, they inevitably circled around to my weight struggle. Of course they did. I have a lot of thoughts in a day, but many of them filter into the category of diet, excercise, and my relationship with food.

I thought about the fact that, as a perfectionist, my weight is just a glaring example of my failure.

For example, if I forget a friend's birthday, I can side-step the repurcussions by making an excuse and giving a glowing belated birthday gift. If I am late on any deadline, I have a perfectly believable excuse for that, too. If I don't keep the house up to my standards, I can blame the job, the kids, the life ouside the home. If any one area of my life goes awry, or if I drop the ball on just about anything, I am able to diffuse my negativity or the negativity of others by focussing on a "good" excuse.

There is no excuse good enough to explain my reason for failing, thus far, with my diet.

I am about 60lbs overweight, even by very reasonable and optimistic standards. I don't look quite that heavy, but it is obvious to everyone who looks at me that I am larger than I should be. Some may classify me in the "curvy" category, while others might say "fat". The BMI indicates that I am obese. Not curvy, not fat. Obese.

I can jusitfy that I have low thyroid (true) or big bones (also true - I have the frame of a football player). I can excuse myself on a day-by-day basis (I didn't have time to exercise today, or I was at a birthday party; it would have been rude to refuse the cake.), or on a whole-life scale (I was raised this way, or I was abused as a child, or I was genetically predestined to be large.)

No matter what excuse I employ, a simple glance in the mirror or at my thin sisters reminds me of my flaws. Not my physical flaws, either - of my lack of ambition, self control, and perseverance.

Them's the breaks, Binky. So what am I going to do about that?


redeemed diva said...

great post--thanks for sharing your thoughts. The gerbil wheel is vicious at 3 am. Vicious!
As a side note, have you ever used lavender essential oil to fall asleep. A couple of drops on the pillow and goodnight!
Yes, I think we should be sisters, too.

TobyLauren said...

It's settled, then. Sisters we are.

Lavendar! Yes, I've used it in the past, and I think it's time to dig out the bottle.

Cheers, Diva!

My weight loss journey