Monday, October 5, 2009

This Animal

I've worn out the rear in my jeans from all the backsliding lately.


Ok, maybe not literally, but at the moment I'm feeling almost desperate.

Did I scare myself off of my diet by biting off more than I could chew, yet again? Or am I just inherently self-loathing and lazy? Or is there something I really need to address in my psyche right now? Probably a bit of all of the above.

I couldn't sleep last night. At all. At 2am, I actually got out of bed, went to the fridge, and ate a chilli dog and some chocolate. I wasn't hungry - in fact, I was still full from my too-large supper. Yet something compelled me to eat, and I did.

I need to find a new high again. I've lost sight of my goals, moving from too much food to too much food, just to feel satiated for the moment. It's so wrong.

I am abusing my body, and I know it.

God, help!

I am going to go play Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace.

I know it's dark, but it feels like my theme song, my prayer, at the moment.

Animal I Have Become
I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside

Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
This animal, this animal!

I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself


Stephenie Victoria said...
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Stephenie Victoria said...

Came across you on WW.. thought I would check out your page. I love how people keep blogs :D

Anyways, I tend to do exactly what you did last night. That is my worst habit in fact! I eat all the time when I am not hungry! Its almost like I fear it will be gone when I go to get it next time LOL! As weird as it seems.. I almost think that's why. Somehow we have to learn how to have more self control! Maybe when you feel like eating, come on and chat.. chug lots on water so your realllllly full so that you wouldn't even to able to stomach the food... i don't know.. I've been trying to master this myself!

Soo I LOVE your mixing drink idea!! Vodka, diet cranberry juice, and Fresca (no calories) in a glass with ice.. YUMMY!
I'll have to try this. I am a big cooler drinker.. and just one is 5 points.. UGH!

Anyways Chicky.. I look forward to reading more of your posts!
And congrats on the 60lbs <3

My weight loss journey