Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Subversive Nature of Sabotage

It has been a rough few weeks.

Why? Why, when I start to do well at something, do I always mess it up?

One might just say that I let old habits take over, that perhaps I just "backslid" a bit, but that's not it. That's not what happened. I'll tell you what happened.

I started shoving seconds and thirds in my mouth after I was full. I stood at the kitchen counter and ate the kids' leftovers. I scrounged and rummaged and angrily tried to eat as much as I can, saying that maybe tomorrow will be a better day. You know what? Tomorrow was a worse day. I ate even more. I added in treats that I had previously lived happily without. I sat down and ate half a bag of chips - and I don't eat chips. I don't particularly like chips. But hey, when I'm being self destructive, I'll sure gorge myself on chips!

Why?

WHY?

What is it about me that does this to myself? Do I hate myself so much that I can't stand to see myself succeed? Do I believe that I'm such a loser that there's no way I will reach my goals? Do I think I don't deserve to be happy?

It might sound extreme, but I think there is truth in all of those notions. I think there is part of me that has such awful self-loathing, that I believe I somehow deserve to always stay ugly. That I believe everyone sees me as a hopeless case, anyway. Why try?

Why try.

Well, maybe because there is also some part of me that hopes for happiness. That seeks success. That believes I have potential, and possibility. That part of me that lets me close my eyes and imagine the me I've always wanted to be... imagines it so well that I almost believe that it is me.

1 comment:

S. said...

I don't know if it would help you, but one thing I try to focus on is that this is not a terribly linear journey. I can't just sit down one day and say, "Okay, the eating stops here," and it magically happens from there on out. I have to remember that this is going to be full of up and downs and leaps forward and backward and hopefully a lot of learning along the way that maybe makes the next rough spot or the next slide back a little bit different and a little bit less. I think the key is, at times like this when it's hard to remember the bigger picture of the journey, to just try to do some little thing that will make you feel better and help you maybe take a step toward feeling more motivated overall. Like, with eating, if you aren't willing to/interested in/able to moderate your eating, can you exercise more? Or can you eat everything you want, but stick to just one serving at a time? Or can you, I don't know, clean your house so that feel more inspired by your surroundings (I know I always feel better about things when my house is clean -- I wish it happened more often!).

Anyway, sorry to go on and on like this. I know how much it sucks (to put it mildly) to feel like you're sabotaging yourself. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon!!

My weight loss journey