Monday, August 4, 2008

Weekender

I'm back. From one of the weekends of each year that I have typically both dreaded and anticipated.

This weekend was the family reunion. I always attend with mixed feelings; happy to see the uncles and aunts and cousins (and now cousins-once-removed in the next generation), and at the same time, embarassed and terrified of them seeing me... fat.

You see, I am 'the fat one.'

Take a family photo - which we inevitably do, each year - and line us all up, and I am the one that sticks out like a very sore (and very swollen) thumb. My cousins are, and have always been, built like Barbie dolls, with perfect lithe figures and perfect clothes. Perfect makeup and the perfectly built boyfriend (or husband) has just completed the picture. I have always been just a little bit bigger. And since getting married and having kids, I have been a LOT bigger.

I would guestimate the biggest one of them to be no more than a size 6. I just bought a pair of sixe 16 shorts that I am happy to fit into. That thought makes me want to hurl.

I have always been self conscious. I have always had doubts about my self-worth. I have always connected the superficial to the true depth of a person's being, much moreso than I should. I know that, but I still seem to do it.

In years past, I might just quit eating for the entire weekend, unwilling to have them see me and wonder what the 'fat girl' is doing putting food in her mouth. She obviously doesn't need to eat.

Or, I might binge, secreting away seconds after my already-heaping firsts at the pot-luck smorg.

This year, I did neither one. I managed to eat sensibly, and drink only slightly less sensibly. I enjoyed myself! I still feel that I ate too much, and that I could have done better, but I am coming away from this weekend on a more positive note than I had anticipated.

It is going to be a busy week this week, and I'm hoping to avoid the pitfalls that usually trip me up on a meeting week in the city.

2 comments:

Phoenixrising said...

I can completely relate to your post... it's hard being "that" one in the family... I'm there too! :) Anyways, sending you some support and big smiles of encouragement! Have a great week!

TobyLauren said...

Aww, you are such a sweet support to me! I gotta type again here with an update.... =)

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