Monday, July 28, 2008

Motivation?

So far, I've managed to discover that today I am unmotivated to do anything, from work out to work, do my dishes, watch my diet, or just about anything else. However, there is one thing that has made an impact...

My dream last night.

I dreamed that I was... living life. Just as I am right now. Today went the way I had expected it to, and I even went over to my parents' place to run through the audition piece for the choir I hope to join this fall. While I was singing the audition song, and playing it on guitar (which I recently picked up again, so that's believeable, too), my brother decided to record it on their Mac, so that I could review and decide what needed to improve.

It wasn't the singing that I needed to improve. Because, in the playback video of me, singing my heart out, dressed nicely, made up and hair done... the undeniable fact reached out and slapped me in the face. I am FAT. Fat, fat, FAT. My chin and neck bond together without any definition, my eyes are lost above giant fat cheeks. The guitar is perched awkwardly out from my enormous abdomen, and I am unattractive. I determined to change more than just my tonal errors.

When I woke up, I felt like it hadn't been a dream - it felt so real. I felt sad, fat, and tired.

When I looked in the mirror, that cursory glance after going to the bathroom and washing my hands, I realized that it wasn't the same face as the dream staring back at me. My face is a little chubbier than it should be, and I my curves don't all go the right way. I am overweight. I am not as attractive as I could be. However, I am not the ugly mass of flesh that was in my dream. and for that I am thankful.

I am happy that I had the dream, though. There was a hidden - or no so hidden - warning in it. If I don't get a handle on myself and my bad habits RIGHT NOW, if I don't buckle down and bite the bullet (are bullets 0 Points?), I'm going to have serious issues to deal with as time goes by.

This morning, I am beginning anew. I am writing down everything that goes into my mouth - including the crusts off of the boys' peanut butter sandwiches, which I ate instead of throwing out. I guess that was breakfast.

I will report back - this is the beginning of something good. I know it.

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