Thursday, January 31, 2008

Time to Eat More (?!)

It seems like I can learn something really well in my head.

And that's where it stops.

I can spout off any number of great facts on nutrition and dieting, on exercise and lifestyle. I can tell you the number of calories in your average meal, and how to kickstart your metabolism with cardio and weights.

But then you get into my head, and you will find that little voice that tells me that eating is not a good thing. It's almost as extreme as the difference between a sex addict and a total prude - where you really want to just go down the middle ground with a healthy attitude, not veer toward "animalism" on the one hand, and "angelism" on the other. Which brings be back to my thoughts about addiction and food, healthy behaviours and unhealthy relationships... the complexity of human nature and our spiritual connection to everything.

Hoo boy, this is complicated.

Can you tell I didn't lose weight last week? Can you tell that I spent yesterday completely sabotauging my efforts by literally SHOVING food in my face? Can you tell that my mind is full of questins and answers, at the same time?

I think my problem these days is that I'm not eating enough - though as I type that, I guiltily feel as if I'm making excuses for myself... Giving myself permission to eat more is akin to sin in some warped part of my mind.

I am, and have always been, an all or nothing person in my approach to life. I hate hard, and I love deeply and devotedly. I vascillate between being a complete slob (whom I hate), and being such a neat freak that my towels have to be stacked the same way in the closet, with like colours stacked together, and a graduating rainbow of colour placement. My cookbook shelf is colour-organized as a rainbow would be, from purple-covered books through red and yellow, green and brown and blue.... and my kitchen floor is dirty, and my dishes aren't done.

I crave balance, but when I seem to find it, I go overboard and run too far the other way. It's like a car skidding on ice - over-correcting making the car swerve first one way and then the other, fishtailing more and more until either the driver fixes the problem and pulls out of the skid, or the problem gets so bad that the car winds up - wheels up - in the ditch. Left to right, messy to clean, drunk to stone cold sober, animalist to angelist.... one extreme to the other. That's what I'm getting at.

Growing up I was very active, in and around 5 hip surgeries for a congenital defect. I always gained weight during surgery and recoup, just because I didn't adjust my portions - totally unaware. Then when I got engaged, and then married, and moved off the farm into town, I packed it on... and joined WW. I've lost and gained and lost and gained and lost and gained through 3 pregnancies, and now I just want to be done with it.

Here is where my old habits kick in.

Either it's sneak a bite and pretend it didn't happen - binge in the closet - or starve myself. Yes, I know I need to get a handle on it. That's the point of everything I do, these days.

I have been working out 40-60 mins cardio/resistance 6 days a week, and eating OP (on point) or less than my points, no AP (activity points), no flex. I'm also nursing a 4 month old, which means I should be eating 10 points more than normal, per day, to keep my milk supply up. Some days I do, some days I don't. I did have a few days where milk was down - so I ate more.

I know I've heard it before, and in my head I know the fact: your body will go into starvation mode if you don't feed it enough calories. It will slow down the burn of calories, and then turn your next substantial meal into fat. You are shooting yourself in the foot by not eating enough.

Yesterday, I posted a question to Shaunna on the Weight Watchers forum (Shaunna of "Gotta Get SHRUNK blog, to the right). I asked her what gave her success. I've read her blog, and I've spoken to her before about it, and I know full well that she ate all of her flex points and all of her activity points, excercised similar to what I'm doing, and she lost quickly and permanently.

She said it again.

I think I needed to hear it from someone I view as a bit of an 'authority' in weight loss. Someone had to tell me to eat more, sans guilt, to enable me to remind myself do follow the program, properly.

And now I'll try to listen up. This is a struggle for me, and I appreciate the support of those that have done this before. Sometimes you need to surround yourself with people who have already found the balance.

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My weight loss journey