Thursday, October 18, 2007

Getting Started

I said I'd never have a blog.

I guess I lied.

Where to begin? Well, for starters, I am overweight. I don't just think I am overweight this time... I am overweight. Does thinking something for long enough cause it to be so? I don't know, but perhaps.

My weight was always an issue to me, even when it wasn't. Maybe it was just something in the back of my mind all the time, even if no one could see any results on the outside. I seemed to be a classic case of an eating disorder, as a child through teen... The only thing was, I wasn't a skinny anorexic. I had an unhealthy relationship with food, and it manifested itself in many ways.

When I was 7 years old and in grade 2, I didn't like the fact that I had healthy lunches when everyone else got junk- I wanted junk, too. Maybe I felt like an outsider, with my whole wheat bread and my thermos of milk... looking at the pudding packs and the processed cheese, the juice or (gasp!) pop, made me want to be part of that. So I 'stole' my piggy bank from home ant took it to school. I kept it in my desk, and from then on I bought hot dogs and chips when I felt lie it. I ate my roast beef sandwich too - just so I wouldn't make Mama feel bad.

I always ate every bite on my plate - maybe to please others, maybe because I love food, or maybe both. I didn't have a concept of 'fullness'. When people said, "Oh, this dessert is RICH!" I would silently take another bite and think, "What are they talking about?" I didn't ever notice the discomfort of eating too much, because it seemed I always did. I ate until my plate was clean, or I ate and then had more, just because it tasted good.

When I was a teenager I started the 'diet' concept. I was always on a diet. Some worked, some didn't. I would starve myself and then binge, and thne starve. I hid my overeating from others, feeling they would judge me if the saw me eat a square. So I'd take the treat and eat it in the kitchen. Then maybe another... and another. Then I'd diet some more. Sometimes I tried making myself throw up after a big meal, just because I felt gross. Then I'd swear off food for a while, but not for too long, for the next time something I "loved" was on the table, I ate as if I'd never eat again.

When I was 18 I went for a whole month without eating anything except pineapple and tomato juice. I told my mother I was on a special 'cleanse' diet. It went secretly with the diet pills I popped like candy, full of ephedra, that made my heart race and my palms sweat cold sweat. I lost a lot of weight. Then I started eating again, this time growing even larger.

When I was 21, my mother heard from a 'thin' friend about Weight Watchers. I guess that thin friend (mother of many children) had returned time and again to the group, to keep herself on track. My mom wanted to sign up. I jumped at the chance to do it 'right' this time.

I joined with my mom - she and I each lost about 40 pounds. Then she hit lifetime... and I got pregnant. My husband and I were thrilled with the pregnancy, but I was disappointed that I'd have to quit dieting. Then that evil twin in my heart took over, and I ate as I'd never eaten before. My son arrived, and somehow I was surprised that the 60 lbs I'd gained didn't want to fall right off again. I joined WW again... and lost 40 lbs. Then I got pregnant again, gaining 50. A year and a half later, I'd lost 30 again... and found myself pregnant with baby number 3.

Here I am, 26 years old, with 3 children born over the past 4 years.

I love my sons and my newborn daughter, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Now I'm taking time for me. I'm going to lose weight, but this time I'm going to do this right. I know that no one will love me any more or any less, except maybe myself. I'm going to get to the magical weight I've dreamed about since I was 14, chubby, and depressed. I am going to do this for my children, for my husband, but I know that it will really be for me.

Wish me luck, because at 214.6 lbs, I've got a long way to go to make my 5'4" frame look as petite as it should.

1 comment:

Leanne said...

Good for you!!!! You will be surprised at how quickly the weight comes off!!!!!!!

Post and blog often to get as much support as you can!

I too have a "relationship" with diet pills and yoyo weight but I am certain I have won the battle now with two kids in three years...

Congratulations for taking the first steps...

My weight loss journey