The Chocolate Crackhouse, the Crash and Cry

Sooooo...

If my Weight Smart multivitamin says to "take with food", and I eat a double chocolate chunk cookie, does it sorta cancel itself out?

Kinda?

Maybe?

No?

Damn. That's what I thought.

Ugh.

The past couple of weeks have been SUPER stressful. Or three, actually.

There was that week with daily swimming lessons from 5-6pm (plus the hour drive and juggling wet and slippery children and dry small bored squirmy children), orthodontist, work (with major political upheaval and big-time deadlines), homeschool (much of which I set up for the sitter the night before with a lesson plan, sadly), and two trips to the city (that's 5+ hrs of just driving, each time) including an overnight one and meetings.

Then there was the week of 30 hours clocked Monday and Tuesday so we could "get away" to Banff Wednesday-Friday.... But I wound up sneak-working on vacation, we were both kind of tired and grumpy and not-in-the-mood, and it wound up being less wonderful than we had hoped (AND I made some people-at-home unhappy with me for ditching them at work)...

Then there was last week, with far too many and too stupid work hours in the office and at home, emergency dental for a kid, and I forgot about JBean's online course and he missed it, we skipped piano, I made snack for choir which I could have put less effort into for the benefit of those in my house, and... Well, that was the week I really crashed.

I have gotten back to the point of total stress, total lapse in remembering why I'm doing what I do, and hating my life and myself, for the most part. I've been depressed and crying easily, when I'm not trying to pick fights.

Week 1, I was still getting up and treadmilling most days, though I did grab fast food. And had too much of it when I did. Week 2, one treadmill visit, no eating Monday Tuesday, and dining out Wed-Fri.

Last week, I ate. Everything.

I bought a fresh focaccia loaf in the city. I ate a lot of it. Dipped in the best EVOO and balsamic I could find. Carrrrrby carb carb. Nom nom nom.

I baked cheese puffs for choir. With old cheddar and proscuitto. Of course I made gouda and proscuitto ciabatta buns for lunch, with grilled eggplant and zucchini and mayo... And ate mine and bits of the kids'. I also baked two trays of amazing brownies. And iced them. Not all that was eaten at choir, mind you. I made two trays of brownies. Only one went.

Here's where "going downhill" became "careening wildly out of control".

So, I basically ate the bulk of a 9x13 tray of brownies between Wednesday and Sunday. Piecing. Nibbling. Inhaling. Melty, soft, chocolate chunky, icingy-creamy..... Ohhhhh be still, my beating heart. I got on the treadmill, a few times. That makes up for being a glutton, right?

Saturday, J made succulent, fall-off-the-bone dry ribs, with an incrdible spicy brown sugar coating. I made quinoa and I made potato salad. I ate a zillion ribs, and too much of the rest.

Then, Sunday, I baked cookies. Chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. Mini ones mind you- silver dollar sized. I baked them til they were juuuust done, with the super soft texture that kills me.

So, since they're mini, they're not bad, right? Low cal, almost. Except if you can't stop popping them in your mouth because they are warm and melty, and then you can't stop popping them in your mouth because you have a glass of milk or a cup of coffee or a beer (sure! Why not!) that needs a partner.... And then you become an automaton who just eats them because they are THERE.

And they are NOT SATISFYING. Somehow, I have created the chocolate equivalent of crack. Not quiiiiite good enough, not quiiiiiite "enough" enough. Maybe if I eat more, I'll be done, and I won't wat more? I DON'T THINK SO!

MAYBE IF YOU EAT MORE, YOU'LL HATE YOURSELF IN THE MORNING.

Oh! And we had a fondue for supper. So I probably had a pound of beef, chicken, shrimp and octopus, fried in oil and dipped in sauce. I had salad, too, of course. Don't judge me.

Ok, judge me. I'm a terrible person. I have NO self-control. UGH!!

This morning, I could barely think, I was so bloated and DISGUSTING feeling. I weighed myself, and freaked.

TWELVE POUNDS up. 12 freakin' pounds of self-loathing. OH MY GIDDY AUNT.

I cried. I raged. I texted J and told him I quit. Everything. Thankfully, he has heard this before, so he knew to tell me he loves me, he believes in me, and I can DO this. I disagreed, diva-like, and he gently reinforced. Then I ate 6 more mini-cookies, even though I was so full I wasn't sure I could swallow.

The day gradually got better. I didn't exercise, but I didn't eat all crazy after the cookies. I called a dear friend and we had a therapeutic talk. I opened the windows and breathed the air. I had a productive school morning with the kids, and a productive work afternoon (here) while they played outside or napped as needed.

Tonight, I'm 5lbs less than the 12lbs up, so that means, in 3 weeks, I weigh 7lbs more. I won't say I "gained", because I'm pretty sure not ALL of that could be fat. So, I'm "up".

I'm lying in bed right now, and so, so hungry. I awakened the beast, and this appetite will take a while to tame. I need to ignore it, for starters. After a while it will hush up.

Why is my success so cyclical?

That's hypothetical. I'm pretty sure it is because I'm an extremist. AND I'm pretty sure I'm extremely unhappy with myself, right now.

Here's to a brighter tomorrow.
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

I like running without anti-perspirant.

It's true.

When I am planning a morning run, knowing that I won't have to encounter any other people, I intentionally don't put on deodorant or antiperspirant that morning.

The notion that the toxins are sweating out of every pore makes me feel that my body is doing exactly what it should do when pushed to its limit. Yes, it's true that my liver and kidneys are doing the real de-tox work, and I drink a lot of water to support that work. But it is true that sweat does eliminate small amounts of toxins, especially environmental ones that settle into your skin. When I haven't worked out in a long time and haven't had a good sweat in a long time,  I notice that my first few days back at it really smells bad. My sweat is funky! Then after those first few days, it takes on more of a natural sweetness.

Honestly though, toxins aside, when I finish a run and I'm soaked through my shirt, it makes me feel like I'm getting the most out of a run. Exhausted, pushed to my limits, beet red and dripping sweat, I know I have worked hard, no faking it.

And when I climb into that hot shower and wash it all away, I feel simply luxurious, as if I've washed away anything that could ever possibly get in the way of my ultimate success. See me sweat? I can DO this. Know how I know? Because I am doing it.

There is something so very rewarding about just sweating it out.

Bits and Bites

Making moussaka, late at night, in a quiet house. 

Life is a good place, full of lovely moments with memorable people, and punctuated by delicious scents and tastes that make it that much more enjoyable.  I thought I would upload some of the recent moments that made my tastebuds happy, and my heart sing. 

It didn't even matter that no one in my family
 liked the cinnamon laced dish, other than me.
I loved cooking it. 

I really love spending time in my kitchen. I love cooking for others, for myself, for big or small events. I love making food or baking to give away. I feel satisfied when something turns out as I had hoped it might. Sometimes it is as simple as the joy of using up the bananas to make banana muffins for the kids to eat right out of the oven. Or the more complex hours of making "smash cakes", cake pops, and a big fondant polka-dot covered cake for my little girl's (and little niece's) first birthday party.

The cake from my daughter and niece's joint 1st bday party.
I made it, and played with fondant for the first time.
We had a polka-dot party. How sweet!

I also love enjoying food with others. I relish the idea of sitting down to a meal with my husband and kids, savouring the flavours as we discuss the day. I thrill at the bigger get togethers with extended family, or with friends, when we linger and talk at the table for hours.  We hosted Christmas day this year, instead of Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve is the big gathering, and it's semi-potluck, which makes it easier on the host. The bonus of hosting Christmas Day for my family (there were 15 of us here), was that we got to cook what we wanted, since the big turkey dinner was the night before. Sharing beef tenderloin, slow grilled on cedar planks with a paste of crushed roasted garlic, dijon and rosemary, made me happy.

My husband's cooking is so good.
He marinated some shrimp and then slow-hickory-smoked them.
Two of these were such a burst of flavour, I think we should do
it again and serve them on baguette slices with some kind
of creamy base, as appetizers.

Focussing on that joy in sharing the moment, instead of wrapping my thoughts up so much in the food, is helping me. I'm truly enjoying every bite, but I seem to be happy to eat less.

I'm finally starting to get past the feelings of I might never get to eat this amazingness ever again so I had better eat it all right NOW. So instead of the hyperboleandahalf  monster that wants to do it all RIGHT NOW (which is my usual downfall), I'm pausing to reflect, and to recognize that there will be other chances to do, to say, to taste, or to experience. Maybe there won't exactly be, but maybe that's okay, too.

This was a smoked pork butt. Melt in my mouth.... sigh.
I ate too much of it, and reinforced once again that pork really
doesn't sit well. I need to eat it sparingly.

I love eating food that my husband cooks. I love knowing that someone has put the love and sacrifice into making something for me. My love language truly is time. You could make me a macaroni necklace, but if I know that took you time, I would accept it joyfully as your labour of love... and I would be thrilled.

My sister made Christmas gifts this year. My sister doesn't make things, not usually. Usually she buys things. Usually, she buys very pretty things, expensive and well thought out things. But the earring holder she made me made me beside myself with happiness. Why? Because she made it. She took the time to do something that wasn't easy or comfortable for her, and she was thoughtful and worked hard to find something I would love. And I DO! I love it so much more than a hundred dollar pashmina, though that would be lovely too... This is just better.

When J cooks for me, I feel like a queen. When I help him cook, I tell him non-verbally that I love him, and he tells me the same. It is joyful. The omelette he made me this morning was love on a plate. Sure, it was 4 eggs and too much cheese (YUM), and had way more butter than I'd use, but it was a gift from someone who could have been watching football or playing guitar (or myriad other things on his one day off!). And he made me my very own omelette.

My kiddos, admiring the Christmas tree.
I love these moments.

(Listening to all my crazy talk, you're probably getting a good idea of why I might be fat. I attach way too much sentiment to EVERYTHING. Or do I? Maybe it's not such a bad thing to feel life extra intensely.)

Tearing apart the gingerbread house, an annual tradition on
January 6th. I'm trying to implement healthy ideas about food
with my kids by having occasional free-for-alls, and not
restricting food with so much negativity as was common in
my childhood. We talk about making healthy choices, but the
annual blow-out-eat-all-the-gingerbread-you-want is so much fun.

It's probably kind of silly to post all of these pics here, on this post. Kind of random, really. I don't have a good reason to, other than the fact that I feel happy and content and want to share a bit of my world.

I've been faithfully getting on my treadmill every day, or going outside to walk or run. I've been running,  for real, every other day, and walking every single day. It feels so good to push myself past my lazy-assed comfort zone. Today, we went for a family walk in the gorgeous afternoon weather, just wearing hoodies and gloves. We trekked around the 30 acres we call home, pulling baby G in the wagon, and going up and down hills. (I pulled the wagon. She gets heavy after a while.) We checked out a few places we'd like to camp in the summer, inspected the jawbone of a misfortunate animal who apparently had bone cancer in life, we sniffed the air and touched the grasses... and had an all out family snowball fight, with Daisy going wild. It was so much fun to laugh and breathe and play.

All the working out is giving me more energy, so a late-night
Christmas-tree hacking spree isn't unheard of.

Today, I tidied up the last vestiges of Christmas - everything that didn't get done last night. 

Tonight's supper was a prime rib roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, and a blue cheese sauce for the meat. We had green beans from last summer's crop, and a salad. I ate way, way, way too much meat, as I am wont to do. I love beef. I'll talk more about that some other time. Sigh.

You know what? Even though I overdid it, and I know it, I don't feel that bad about it. I have been really responsible all week, and I don't think this is going to hurt my weigh in on Wednesday.

Oh, for the record, my first WI last Wednesday put me at 213. As you can see, I haven't really made much progress as far as the scale is concerned, since I fell off the wagon back last spring.

I have a long way to go, but my optimism is at an all time high.

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New Year's Resolutions 2012

New Year's Resolutions 2012

All of these will involve change, and change is necessary to my happiness. True change involves sacrifice and discomfort. True change requires my full participation. I hereby commit to participate. Some of the below are a continuation of last year; some are new endeavours. I am excited for all!

Mind

• Develop my mind by reading great books. 
• Study Philosophy, Psychology and History, on my own time. 
• Take at least two art courses or workshops. 
• Sing. 
• Build a sense of CONFIDENCE, SECURITY, SELF-CONTROL and SELF-WORTH, and STAY POSITIVE.

Body

• Take a walk every single day, whether outside (bonus points!) or on the treadmill. 
• Lose weight to 170 this year, before getting pregnant by year's end.
• Build up endurance and begin running often. Track this with Nike+ to keep accountable. 
• Get up early, go to bed at a decent time.
• Find ENERGY.

Spirit

• Veer away from toxic people, and toward positive ones.
• Spend time in nature every day.  Take notes often; write or paint.
• Take a notebook to church weekly and record something that inspires me.
• Immerse myself in spiritual reading that lifts me up.
• Pray without an agenda. 
• BE CREATIVE, in every possible way. 

Family

• Read to my kids every day.
• Be more flexible in responding to the interests of my kids.
• Camp out more, even if it is at home. 
• Menu plan, to help save time, energy, food and money.
• Have "couch time" with J. Every day. 
• Be POSITIVE and AVAILABLE (emotionally and physically).

Environment

• Get my filing up to date and keep it that way.
• Clean out my painter shack and fix it up.
• Plant a garden and keep it tended. 
• Beat back caragana further and groom lawn. 
• Build another rock garden. 
• Get ORGANIZED.

That's the plan! I'm going to stick to it, too.

Off to run. =)

Too much Yes.

"Moreover, if you have problems determining whether you're satisfied or full, you may also experience similar difficulties with the concept of enough in other areas. With both intimates and strangers alike, you may find yourself alternately giving too much or too little. You may not know when to stop working or how to take adequate time for yourself. You may deprive yourself of essential things while overdoing it on nonessentials. If excess and deficiency, that is, the concept of too much or too little is a theme in your life, learning what is enough food is an excellent way to begin to return to a healthy equilibrium. Achieving balance in your life, having enough of this and that, depend on saying one of the two simplest words in the English language at the right times."
-THE RULES of "NORMAL" EATING, Karen R. Koenig, LICSW, M.ED.


This really resonated with me.

I embody the above struggle. My hope for 2012 is that I find that balance. I don't wish to be unbalanced in my approach to weight loss and healthy living.

My all-or-nothing, succeed or fail, win or lose, live or die approach to life really needs to find an equilibrium, or I'm not doing myself any favours.

At this point, my last week or two has been a coffee fueled, over-wrought trainwreck wearing a smile. I've been working through some dark thoughts, and trying to figure out where to go from here.

I've always tried to do this on my own. I've thought that if I share too much, I will be judged as a failure. I feel like people will judge me for not succeeding... But then some part of me thinks that if I were to succeed and lose the weight and become healthy, they would look at me and snark, "Well! Why couldn't she have done that years ago?" Either way, I fear the censure of others.

J and I had a really good talk the other day. People will always judge. That isn't important, and I need to learn this, for once and for all! I depend so much on the approval of those around me because I don't approve of myself. I look to others to define the self-worth that I am unable to see, acknowledge, or believe. I NEED someone else to believe in me, because I don't believe in myself.

This will change.

I have jumped into 2012 with a better attitude. Thanks to his personal growth in 2011, and the deepening of our tell-all, soul-baring talks, I know J is in my corner like never before, and that makes a world of difference.



I've written my resolutions! I'll be adding some things tomorrow, and then I'll post them here.

This will be a good year. I invite you to join me in this journey to becoming the best version of ourselves in 2012.

Oops

I went to bed thinking, I should work out in the morning.


I woke up, and had cake for breakfast.


There is a definite disconnect there. Somehow sleep resets my will to achieve my goals.

So, either I give up sleeping, start working out in the evening, or find a way to re-wire that part of my brain so it doesn't trip and reset.

Does forgetting to eat count as dieting?

Well, I looked at the scale the other day, and it told me I've lost 8lbs. Yay me! Right?


I got a text from a dear friend today proposing a chat, but she was on her way to the gym so it would have to wait until later. The gym? I wish I had the time to go to the gym. Obviously, it's not exercise that gave me results this month.
I can't take much credit for my success, but I'll take the success. The last month has been a whirlwind of running from this to that and here and there, as usual. More than usual, even.

An example of last week will give you a good idea of why I might forget to eat:

Monday
5:30 coffee, work on Christmas gifts
6 lesson plan
7-8:30 - teach math and reading
9-5 work, not stopping for lunch.. I had coffee at my desk.
5:30 -make supper, feed kids as I do laundry and shovel a few bites in, more schoolwork with eldest.
7:30 - kids to bed, I clean, laundry, some work I brought home, practice music and go to bed around 11.

Tuesday
5:30-9 prep lessons and do school
9- my sister drops off her kids (1 and 3 year old girls). I babysit while making a chicken dinner for guests to come soon, helping one kid with math, cleaning. Sister picks up kids right before lunch.
12 - guests show up. A girlfriend is getting married so I host her hair and makeup prep and program assembly. I eat lovely chicken, orzo salad and greek salad, but am busy enough helping kids cut food, and making sure guests are served, that I don't finish my plate.
5pm - they leave, and I work on an easy and light supper. Steal a few bites while working on some things I brought home from work. Bed by 11:30.

Wednesday
Home schooling until 8:30
9 - haircut
10 - dr appt
11:30 - lunch with a friend. I order a salad and sandwich but am really not hungry so I eat a few bites of the salad and half the sandwich. Then I run a few errands, grab myself a large fat-free latte.
3- home, unpack purchases, start supper, grab music, water bottle and get kids set up with sitter.
3:45 - leave for Edmonton for choir. 5 hours of driving and 3 hours of practise. Fill up with gas, get another coffee....
11:30 home, then work on Christmas gifts.
1:30 bed

Thursday
Despite the fact that now I have a really sore throat, I'm up only a little behind schedule.
6:30 lesson plan
7:30-1 school - I do eat something, and I'm also baking pecan and pumpkin pies while schooling.
1:30 we leave for town for piano lessons, bottle depot, groceries, library, pickup J from the mechanic where he's leaving his truck.
3:30 scurry home from town and unpack groceries. J will take care of supper.
3:45 leave for Edmonton for choir dress rehearsal.
12 home, work on some Thanksgiving stuff (my husband is American, have I mentioned how cool it is to have 2 Thanksgivings?), clean.
2am - bed

Friday
7 get up. I slept in! J is already up getting the turkeys ready to go on the BBQ. I'm up, drink coffee, make stuffing and the filling for the double stuffed baked potatoes, clean, set the table, and get prepped!
4 people arrive
6:30 we feast on smoke-grilled turkey, italian sausage stuffing, double stuffed baked taters, salad, brussels sprouts, sweet potatoes with brown sugar and pecans on top, awesome giblet gravy... Mmmmmm. I manage one helping and am stuffed.
10 - people have pie - pumpkin and pecan pie, and pumpkin cheesecake. I have the tiniest sliver of each, and can't finish.
12 - done cleaning up... Bed time.

Saturday
I'm sick with a really bad throat, earache and rotten head. Hmm. Could it be lack of nutrition and lack of sleep? Likely. 
8 - get up, pack, clean, do a makeup math lesson with the eldest and a language lesson with the 2nd..
12 - eat awesome leftovers.
1 - leave to copy some last minute music for the concert, drop the baby off and get her settled with sitters (in a town 30 mins away), and drive to the city.
4:30 - get settled in our hotel. I order room service, but it hasn't arrived by the time I have to run out the door for my concert.  I eat a mandarin as I walk to the church for my call time.
5:30- warm up (I love making music!!)
7:30 sing! My voice is trying to give out on me, but I will give all I've got anyway. I don't need a voice for a while after tonight, anyway. 
9:30 go to reception, have a cup of cider and chat with guests.
10:30 back in hotel suite, I order room service and devour a blue cheese bison burger and fries. Feel a bit sick from eating too much, too fast! Wine to celebrate the concert.
12am Theraflu and bed

Sunday
7 - up with kids and J, we order room service and enjoy a wonderful breakfast. I have eggs benedict. Mmm. Eat it ALL. AND two bites of the kids chocolate chip pancakes. J asks me if I should be eating the pancakes. I do anyway, and feel grumpy that he would ask. Then again, I've asked him to keep me accountable. What do I want, exactly?? 
8:30 - packed up, hit the road.
11 - church in the town where the baby was being cared for. We meet the sitters there and snuggle our baby girl. :) She's so happy to see us, but has missed her morning nap and is cranky about halfway through. I walk with her at the back of the church.
12:30 - head home
1-3 - I "nap" hardcore.
5 - we have leftover turkey and such, I work on some housework and xmas stuff.
9 - a girlfriend comes to visit and say goodbye before heading back overseas to Scotland... We have tea and wedding cake left from her sister's wedding, and visit until after 10.
11 - I've tidied up and washed my face and I'm going to bed... gotta start a new week tomorrow...


Ok, so that was a week in the life. I didn't eat much. However, I often don't eat much. Really, it doesn't help the waistline. I know it is because of starvation mode slowing my metabolism, etc.... I guess if I have managed to drop 8 lbs this month, it is finally working. 


I will learn to say no more. To everything.
If I could squeeze some exercise time into that schedule of mine, that would be good.

Sigh.